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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion
― Fred Allen

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Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company
― Mark Twain

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I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
― Tommy Cooper

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too
― Rodney Dangerfield


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I failed to make the chess team because of my height
― Woody Allen

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Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage
― Ambrose Bierce

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By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day
― Robert Frost

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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars
― Fred Allen

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Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
― Mark Twain

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I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying
― Oscar Wilde

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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
― Lana Turner

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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it
― Helen Rowland

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Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair
― Sam Ewing

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Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything!
― Homer Simpson

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her
― Rodney Dangerfield

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I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by
― Douglas Adams

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The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby
― Natalie Wood

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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate
― Mark Twain

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