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    The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion
    - Fred Allen
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    I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure
    - Tommy Cooper
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    My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too
    - Rodney Dangerfield


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    I failed to make the chess team because of my height
    - Woody Allen
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    Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter
    - Mark Twain


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    I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair
    - Sam Ewing
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    Now I started remembering why I dont remember anything!
    - Homer Simpson
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    I have never let my schooling interfere with my education
    - Mark Twain


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    Experience is the comb life gives you after you lose your hair
    - Judith Stern
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    My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not you'll become a philosopher
    - Socrates


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    The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything
    - Oscar Wilde
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    My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning
    - George W. Bush
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    I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own
    - Les Dawson
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    It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man
    - H. L. Mencken
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    Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.
    - Mae West
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    I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter
    - Jim Carrey
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    Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary
    - Robert Louis Stevenson
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    Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company
    - Mark Twain
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    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
    - Steven Wright
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    My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.
    - Bob Thaves
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    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
    - Mark Twain
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    You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake
    - Bob Hope
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    The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing
    - H. L. Mencken
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    When you come to a fork in the road, take it
    - Yogi Berra
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    Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone
    - Tommy Cooper
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    I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew
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    Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
    - Wendell Johnson
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    Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else
    - Margaret Mead
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    Do not worry if others do not understand you. Instead worry if you do not understand others
    - Confucius
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    Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know
    - Daniel J. Boorstin
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    I can resist everything except temptation
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity
    - George Bernard Shaw
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    A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband
    - Lao Tzu
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    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage
    - Ambrose Bierce
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    If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married
    - Katharine Hepburn
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    All tragedies are finished by a death,
    All comedies are ended by a marriage
    - Lord Byron
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    Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl
    - Stephen Leacock
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    I believe in love and marriage, but not necessarily with the same person
    - John Travolta
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    I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late
    - Anonymous
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    Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight
    - George Lichtenberg
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    Men are April when they woo, December when they wed
    - William Shakespeare
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    Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
    - Mae West
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    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
    - Socrates
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    The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
    - Groucho Marx
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    When a girl marries, she exchanges the attention of many men for the inattention of one
    - Helen Rowland
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    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her
    - Sacha Guitry
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    Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener
    - Pauline Thomason
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    Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering
    - Anonymous
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    Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once
    - Eva Gabor
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    A happy man marries the girl he loves; a happier man loves the girl he marries
    - Anonymous
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    If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
    - Henny Youngman
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    Dammit, sir, it is your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure
    - Oscar Wilde
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    It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married
    - Robert Frost
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    Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them
    - Ogden Nash
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    Marriage halves our joys, doubles our griefs, and quadruples our expenses
    - English saying
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    One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry
    - Oscar Wilde
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    My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    - Henny Youngman
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    Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed
    - Albert Einstein
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    The longest sentence you can form with two words is “I do”
    - Anonymous
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    Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse
    - Groucho Marx
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    To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up
    - Ogden Nash
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    About 80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe
    - Anonymous
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    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight
    - Phyllis Diller
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    I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life
    - Rita Rudner
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    He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of
    - Mae West
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    I have always thought that every woman should marry, and no man
    - Benjamin Disraeli
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    A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
    - Groucho Marx
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    A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it
    - Helen Rowland
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    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
    - Lana Turner
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    Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV
    - Jerry Seinfeld
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    If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer
    - Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
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    I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend
    - Spaceballs
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    A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti
    - The Silence of the Lambs
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    Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the WAR ROOM!
    - Dr. Strangelove
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    Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place
    - City Slickers
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    Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes
    - Naked Gun 33 ½ : The Final Insult
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    I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight
    - Phyllis Diller
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    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong
    - Milton Berle
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    I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't
    - Patrick Murray
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    Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood
    - Oscar Wilde
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    There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments
    - Chris Rock
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    A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon
    - Arnold Haultain
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    As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world
    - Marilyn Monroe
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    Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right - instantly
    - Sam Slick
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    I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by
    - Douglas Adams
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    I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early
    - Charles Lamb
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    By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day
    - Robert Frost
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    All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work
    - Steve Martin
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    Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion
    - Parkinson's law
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    I never put off till tomorrow what I can possibly do - the day after
    - Oscar Wilde
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    If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner
    - Tallulah Bankhead
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    Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone
    - Anthony Burgess
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    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars
    - Fred Allen
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    The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby
    - Natalie Wood
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    Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate
    - Mark Twain
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    Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
    - Joey Adams
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    One man's folly is another man's wife
    - Helen Rowland
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    As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
    - Buddy Hackett
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    I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
    - Lily Tomlin
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    Bachelors think that 'marriage' is a word. Married people know that it's actually a sentence
    - VVLP Raju
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    He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house
    - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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    My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
    - Cynthia Walker McCullough
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    Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French
    - Charles de Gaulle, President of France
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    An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
    - Agatha Christie
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    Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city
    - George Burns
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    The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children
    - Clarence Darrow
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    Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot
    - Oscar Wilde
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    When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading
    - Henny Youngman
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    War does not determine who is right - only who is left
    - Bertrand Russell
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    By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong
    - Charles Wadsworth
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    A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it
    - Bob Hope
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    When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife
    - Prince Philip
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    When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick
    - George Burns
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    The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy
    - Sam Levenson
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    It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on
    - Marilyn Monroe
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    It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours
    - Harry S Truman
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    I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant
    - Robert McCloskey
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    I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years
    - Sam Kinison
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    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife
    - Anonymous
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    A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free
    - Anonymous
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    Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others
    - Oscar Wilde
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    Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too
    - H. L. Mencken
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    When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me
    - Rodney Dangerfield
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    All generalizations are false, including this one
    - Mark Twain
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    I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true
    - Katherine Hepburn
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    By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean
    - Mark Twain
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    When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic
    - Jane Wagner
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    People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do
    - Isaac Asimov
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